The Splendid Stare

The other day I visited my mom for lunch. She works at a hospital so we will have lunch together on occasion in the cafeteria. The Maternity Ward (is it still a “Maternity Ward” or is it just “Maternity” now? “Ward” sounds dark to me…) is en route to the cafeteria and every time I walk past it, I’m instantly drawn to it and can’t wait until my next visit. Part of me just wants to walk in and randomly visit new mothers and their babies. I distinctly remember both of my visits, walking down the long hall to the check-in desk. “Aubrey Kitzmiller, I’m in labor.” I’m instantly giddy. I remember how hysterically happy I was when my water broke with Eden. Happy because I knew birth was imminent and also because contractions hadn’t started. I couldn’t stop smiling – I’m not going to be pregnant anymore!! Hip hip hooray! Anyway, enough of the flashbacks.

So I am walking toward the cafeteria and spot this new dad (tired and staggering, lugging copious amounts of bags, flowers, pillows, and the like) and the new mom being wheeled by a volunteer behind him. She was holding her newborn and just staring. I was sure it was their first. You look at your firstborn differently. You hate to admit it but you do. The whole experience is completely new and no matter what you tried to prepare for in your head, the reality is different. She looked at him/her in complete awe, as if it was the most magnificent thing she’s ever seen. She was completely dumbfounded and in her own world. I instantly teared up. I was witnessing her falling in complete, perfect love with her child. Congratulations to whoever the new mother was. Thank you for unknowingly sharing your moment with me. I wish you luck, sleep and easy breastfeeding.

On my way back from lunch, I stopped at the Maternity (Ward?) doors and peered down the hall. I wondered who was in the waiting room, awaiting the arrival of their new family member. I wondered if any unlucky woman was going through labor right that second. I wondered what my third walk down that hall would hold. What room will I be in (the corner one rocked the first time around)? Which nurses will I draw in the volatile nurse lottery? How large will this baby be? I can’t wait. I’m eager to meet him/her even now, ready to stare…and fall in love again.