Fifty Shades of Grey - The Casting Call

If you have not already heard of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, give it time, you will. Dubbed "mommy porn", it has taken the libidos of middle-aged women by storm. For those of us who have outgrown Twilight, Fifty has upped it a notch and given us an NC-17 indulgence, sans supernatural. But this isn't a book critique. It's easy to point out the flaws in Fifty Shades - the writing at least. It's horrendous and redundant but the storyline is so good, it keeps the pages turning. Since the entire trilogy is possible to read in a weekend if you have the time, the rights to the movie have already been purchased by Universal Studios and the fan debate about who-will-play-who has flooded the internet. So, let's discuss:

In perusing what has been plastered all over the web about casting, I find there are two groups of people: 1) those who want a bunch of attractive people in the movie and 2) those who want a bunch of A-listers in the movie. I propose a balance of attractive A-listers, newcomers and obscure cameos.

I feel as though this movie could go very right or very wrong. If you throw in a bunch of hotties with bodies, you're going to get poor acting and thousands of let-down fans. If you amass a bunch of A-listers, it could come off as gimmicky and nominated for a Razzy. So let's balance the scales.

Christian Grey
Mr. (or Master) Grey is a complex character albeit extremely attractive. You can't just have someone play Christian because he's smokin' hot and has smoldering grey eyes. Whoever plays him needs to have the looks and the acting chops to bring this character to fruition and meet the expectations of his adoring fans. There is a lot of talk of Ian Somerhalder taking on the role and I am in disagreement. Yup, he's a hottie but unless you watch The Vampire Diaries you probably don't know who he is. I think, to make this movie legitimate, the main character needs to be A-list - looks, acting chops and the A-list paycheck to boot.

I propose Ryan Gosling. At the age of 31, he's young enough to pull off Christian's late twenties. He is attractive enough, has the eyes, and the acting ability to accommodate both the troubled and conflicted sides of Mr. Grey along with the confident, I-am-a-bad-ass-billionaire side. And then there's all those other sides which, I think we can all agree, we would be more than happy to see Ryan play. I mean, I bet he has a playroom in real life. Oh my.

If that doesn't work out, I can see Christian Bale - kind of. While they share monikers, Christian Bale is 38 years old and I envision Mr. Grey as being younger. But Bale is smoldering and could definitely take the reins of Billionaire with a Dark Side (a la American Psycho). 

Henry Cavill - I can understand why some would recommend him but, he's missing the A-list factor and while attractive, not attractive enough, for me. I need someone striking and Henry is just another good-looking guy in my opinion.

Anastasia Steele
I ask right now that someone shoot me if Kristen Stewart is cast as Miss Steele. Literally shoot me in my face if this happens. I didn't go Robert Pattinson for Christian Grey and will most certainly NOT go K-Stew for Ana. They had their trilogy and if their pairing gets carried over into this one, I will be extremely disappointed. Maybe even angered. Yes, probably very angry.

While I feel very strongly that Christian should be A-list, I don't feel it is as necessary for Ana's role. I don't know why. I am seeing Emmy Rossum here. She's not super-popular and was born Emmanuelle Grey Rossum which might be fate. I think she's gorgeous but not in the obvious way which fits the persona of Ana. I also think she has enough acting strength to both challenge Christian Grey and be the naive, virginal Anastasia Steele.

If not Emmy, I see...Sophia Bush? I'm not confident that she has the acting ability to knock it out of the park but physically, she fits the part.

I would like to throw Emma Stone's name in the hat too if not for the fact that my #1 choice for Christian is Ryan Gosling and they did the whole Crazy Stupid Love thing. Again, gorgeous but it's not obvious and I think she's talented enough to give the role a run for its money.

Elena Lincoln
I was so excited to cast this (as if it has any bearing). Michelle frickin' Pfeiffer. All day. She's beautiful, seductive and I can see her rocking a Dom role with ease (you do remember her as Selina Kyle a.k.a. Catwoman, right?).

Some might suggest Sharon Stone but I think it is a too obvious choice and frankly, I'm not that huge of a fan. Seeing Sharon in another seductress role is yawn-inducing.

I could cope with Cate Blanchett. She's a brilliant actress and beautiful but she is a distant, distant second to Michelle.

I can kind of see Nicole Kidman as Mrs. Robinson as well but ... just please pick Michelle Universal...please!!

Jose Rodriguez
This was difficult for me. Initially I settled on Tyler Posey, the kid from MTV's horrible Teen Wolf (maybe I watch it every week, maybe I don't). He's young and cute and could probably pull off an artsy photographer smitten with Ana. But the role may be too big for him.

How's about...Penn Badgley? He's my first pick. Cute, young and had to deal with all of Blake Lively's shit so why not deal with Ana's? The more I think about this, the more I like it.

Taylor
I picture Taylor as a good-looking but silent, nice guy. Nothing striking or exceptional about him. Matthew Fox comes to mind followed by ... Sam Worthington? I feel like they could kick someone's ass maybe.

Kate Kavanagh
This might be a way for Emma Watson to stake claim in something other than what seems like decades of Harry Potterville. I can see her as an inquisitive, aspiring journalist who does nothing but unknowingly make her best friend feel bad about herself.

I still like Emma Stone so while maybe not in the role of Ana, she could counter as Kate. I'm confident she'd nail it.

2nd Runner Up: Evan Rachel Wood.

Ethan Kavanaugh
 Described as a "blond god" a knee-jerk reaction would be Alex Pettyfer but I can't stand the guy and I don't think "blond god" when I see him.

I'm going to go with Chris Hemsworth. Chris is indeed blond and actually played a god once (Thor). Done.

Zac Efron is my second choice and while he's not a blond god to me, I know he is to a lot of other females. But, I don't think he'd go for such a minor role; I think he's more interested in romantic leads in which he can deliver lines like, "You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute."

Grace Trevelyan-Grey
Blythe Danner always looks like a nice mom to me but at the ripe age of 69, I think she's too old. I picture Grace between 50 and 60 years of age. As a result I propose Diane Lane. She's so stunning and has a very kind look about her. And I'd like to see her and Michelle Pfeiffer go at it.

Annette Bening could be great. Also beautiful with kind eyes so she's a semi-close second.

I can see Joan Allen but her skin and bones frame annoys me and she doesn't exude kindness like the other two options.

Carrick Grey
I think Diane Lane is the integral role here so whoever fits best with her is going to be the best option. I like George Clooney even though he's a big name. He and Diane would look great together but realistically speaking I don't think it will happen.

Pierce Brosnan maybe if they can make him look a little rough around the edges because naturally, the man is too prestigious-looking and I feel Carrick is a little more down-to-earth. Put some stubble on him maybe.

Elliott Grey
Elliott is supposed to be good-looking but funny with a touch of quirk. I know some people hate seeing him act but I think Justin Timberlake might make a good Elliott. He's attractive enough and has a natural sense of humor.

If Matthew McConaughey were younger, he'd be my number one pick because if anyone can make "Laters baby" not sound like a complete fucking joke, it would be him.

Mia Grey
Attractive and curvy brunette who's extroverted and annoyingly cheerful. I identify with Rachel Bilson so I'll go with her. I think she could make a great yet annoying little sister. I can picture her perpetually ruining Christina and Ana's sexcapades.

Alternatively, Minka Kelly might do. She's pretty but her chin distracts me; despite that she's cute, curvy, and capable.

Leila
I see one person here - Mila Kunis. She could play cray cray with the best of them I think. I love her, I think she's magnetic and amazing. I want to see her lose her mind and wouldn't mind some flashbacks maybe of her time as Christian's sub. She'd be a total rockstar in that role. No contingencies here, just her.

Dr. Flynn
I see Dr. Flynn as an attractive older man who's charming and charismatic but smart. Colin Firth comes to mind. He's got the accent, the age and looks to do Flynn justice. Pretty perfect actually.

A second option might be Russell Crowe if we can get him cleaned up and slimmed down to something close to his Gladiator days.

If neither of them pan out there is always the reliable and lovable Michael Caine. He emanates intelligence and I've always liked everything he does.

Andrea (Christian's personal assistant)
Andrea is blonde and attractive but not special. I see Elisha Cuthbert here. Elisha is a pretty blonde to me but that is all. There is nothing distinctive or striking about her look, she's just another pretty blonde.

Ray Steele
Ray is ex-military and unrefined. A nice, quiet, understanding dad who likes to fish. Harrison Ford is my first pick as long as he doesn't wear that damn earring he's always trying to rock.

Dennis Quaid is a very close second. I love him. I have loved him since I was a young girl and he's always played a great father figure.

Third place goes to Kevin Costner if he can take time off from playing in his band.

Carla (Ana's mother)
Carla is a hopeless romantic and might be a touch flighty. I initially was thinking Andie McDowell then reneged thinking she would be too young. Turns out, she's a smokin' hot 52 year old so she's reclaimed the number one spot.

I for some reason like Jeanne Tripplehorn as well. Like Ana, she's not overtly gorgeous but retains her attractiveness.

Mrs. Jones
I never pictured Mrs. Jones as being your run-of-the-mill old maid. I always saw someone younger, more middle-aged. I think this would be a great role for someone whose 15 minutes of fame is long gone, an old 80's or 90's star, someone you see and say, "Hey, isn't that so and so from such and such? Didn't she play that one girl? etc."

Right now I'm thinking Kelly McGillis. It would be cool to see the Top Gun vixen back on the big screen.

Patricia Kalember is also an option. You'd recognize her if you see her but you won't know from where. You'll have to IMDb her and you'll still be unsure as to why you recognize her.

Elizabeth Perkins could be ideal as well. Again, unknowingly discernible.

Jack Hyde
The creepy boss Jack Hyde. In trying to think of a creepy actor, my first thought is Tilda Swinton. I mean it doesn't get any creepier but it wouldn't work since she's female, unless we took some extreme poetic license. So I went with the creepiest male actor and Crispin Glover immediately popped into my mind. Then I shuddered. And then the floodgates opened.

Paul Bettany can be skeezy, Liev Schreiber is creepy for certain and then I thought of the ginger dude from Dreamcatchers and Homeland, Damian Lewis. Now that man gives me goosebumps and not for good reason. Ick. Any one of these actors could fit the bill.

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So there you have it folks. As time passes, I'm sure I'll think of some better alternatives for certain characters all while keeping in mind that none of them are likely to make the cut in Hollywood. My fear is that they are going to half-ass this movie with poor casting choices and ruin it for most of the book's fans. My sincere hope is that they they don't. Contrary to popular belief, the book is more than just attractive people fucking multiple times a day. There is a psychological element to it that could be expounded on. And it is for this reason they should take care in casting this thing. This has the potential to be a great movie that not only stimulates the loins of mommies everywhere but their psyches as well. Get a good writer, director and basic cast and this may be a rare case of the movie being better than the book. Sadly however, my inner goddess won't be holding her breath.

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Update: The Mrs. Jones Recast


I have to confess, I had only just started the third installment of the Grey Trilogy when casting the above. Upon learning a little more detail about Mrs. Jones I have firmly decided on Maria Bello. She's mid-40's, looks like she'd be a good cook, is pretty, but can be made to be not too pretty and will go well with Matthew Fox.  

Kasen Girl

After I put my kids to bed last night, I sauntered downstairs to see if there was anything on TV worth watching for 30 minutes before I headed to bed myself (I was really looking for a True Blood rerun). After a few minutes I heard crying, not unusual coming from my 1 year old, Eden but this was coming from Kasen who is either out before her head hits the pillow or is singing herself to sleep via Old McDonald and his farm. I immediately thought, Oh no, she threw up. I slugged upstairs awaiting a vomit-covered Kasen but was surprised (and relieved) to see her just sitting there in the dark, crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You left my room and I didn’t say I love you first.” Holy shit. My heart sank.

Kasen is calculating, type A and probably borderline OCD. She likes her shit in order and fully commits to a routine. We may have to work on her adaptability skills down the road. Anyway, every night when I put her to bed, we say I love you and good night before I leave her room; those five words, in that order, every night. I didn't know it was mandated or even thought it was a requirement that needed to be met before she could slip off to slumber. But so it is…and an awesome requirement to have.

So, I consoled, said I love you and made sure she said it in return before I closed her door.

And it hit me that at the age of 3, she has already become this emotionally-charged girl who realizes her feelings and knows that certain immaterial things make her sad, mad, happy, etc. Her tears weren’t caused by a bumped head or bruised knee but by a sentiment. Eden just walks through life, smiling and kissing things as she bounces off of one wall only to hit the other. What I wouldn’t give.

I can only imagine the things that Kasen will encounter in her life, that first heartbreak she suffers from some bastard teenage boy that my husband will threaten to off, the death of her first pet, her first failed (or hopefully just mediocrely graded) exam, her first fender bender….all resulting in tears and fear and thoughts of the world ending but knowing it probably won’t – to think it all started with me not waiting a few seconds for her to say I love you in return. I will never leave her bedroom early again.

Dead Dreams

When I was younger, I never worried about what I was going to be when I grew up. No matter the job title, I always envisioned myself being challenged, happy and financially secure. Yet, here I sit, a couple of decades later, bored, depressed, unchallenged and still yearning for financial comfort. I feel unproductive at the end of the day and unimportant. I strive to over-achieve and later wonder why when being efficient has become counter-productive. I’m trying to figure out where I went wrong; at what point did my dream bust into a million pieces and settle as this reality...and the moment comes to me:

 I was a sophomore in college and had just barely passed Calculus. I asked my “advisor” how much more of these types of classes I needed to get into med-school. He said, “Four more semesters.” I heard, “You’re doomed.” That was the point I gave up. I know it is. I gave up my dream and realized I wasn’t smart enough to be what I wanted to be. It was the first time in my life I thought and believed I wasn’t good enough. Since then, I have been settling when it comes to work and struggling to find what it is I am passionate about.

I continued to work at the canoe livery that had employed me since the age of 15 for another two summers after college. I wandered around, moved here and there. I was an outside sales rep for about a hot minute, then an Accounting Clerk, then … get this … the receptionist at a dating agency called Great Expectations. There’s a good chance that was my rock bottom. I think being a dating agency receptionist would be anyone’s rock bottom. It was horrific and thankfully short-lived. I never even bothered to tell them I quit. I just stopped showing up. That’s how bad it was. I had to video-tape (yes, like VHS video-tape) some poor, middle-aged divorced man’s bio and watching him struggle to sell himself was embarrassing and sad, for both of us.

I ended up temping for a third-party logistics company and it took me six months to land a permanent position there as a Customer Service Representative. It was a good job, nice people for the most part and stable in the beginning. I was hired at its peak as the building busted at the seams with happy and smiling employees. I then slowly watched it disintegrate into nothing as they closed the office doors five years later. I was one of the last ones standing at 333 W. Grandview Parkway. It wasn’t as if it was my dream job or I thought I’d retire there. But I made myself valuable, knowledgeable and an expert.

I took 10 months off to raise my kids. During that time, I realized I am not a stay-at-home mom either. About 70% of the time was amazing. Sleeping in, no schedule, no boss, no deadlines, no bureaucratic bullshit to speak of. But the other 30% weighed heavy. I needed to be challenged, I needed to have an adult conversation, I needed time away from my kids I’m ashamed to say, I needed to feel productive and smart and valuable. I needed to say, “Thank God it’s Friday!”, and then have a weekend to look forward to after that. And that 30% led me here.

Here I sit, 11 years after the dissolving of my dream, no further than I was before. I feel silly, lazy and too old to start over.

Don’t get me wrong, I have accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. I found a husband, a good one at that. We have two amazingly gorgeous and awesome daughters. We have a house that we’ve made our own and a pretty amazing life together. They fill my cup. And they deserve more from me. How can I tell my kids to exhaust their potential when I didn’t do it myself?

It’s difficult to sit here every day, knowing I’m capable of so much more, knowing I could give more to my family, knowing I could produce more, engage more, be more. Yet in these times it seems getting a job, any job, is a great accomplishment. Hearing “You’re hired!” is worth a lot, no matter who says it. There’s no more shooting for the stars, just settle for anything.

I could blame that damn advisor. He could’ve offered me something, some encouragement, some alternatives, some sort of safety net for my dream that was otherwise shattered. But he just let it hit the ground, I guess to see what I would do with the pieces. I’m ashamed to say they’re still lying on his office floor and that is 100% my fault.

Now I’m waiting for something to ignite me and it’s yet to come. Maybe because I am consistently dependent upon some outside factor when I know, deep down, I have to light my own fire.