Kasen Girl

After I put my kids to bed last night, I sauntered downstairs to see if there was anything on TV worth watching for 30 minutes before I headed to bed myself (I was really looking for a True Blood rerun). After a few minutes I heard crying, not unusual coming from my 1 year old, Eden but this was coming from Kasen who is either out before her head hits the pillow or is singing herself to sleep via Old McDonald and his farm. I immediately thought, Oh no, she threw up. I slugged upstairs awaiting a vomit-covered Kasen but was surprised (and relieved) to see her just sitting there in the dark, crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You left my room and I didn’t say I love you first.” Holy shit. My heart sank.

Kasen is calculating, type A and probably borderline OCD. She likes her shit in order and fully commits to a routine. We may have to work on her adaptability skills down the road. Anyway, every night when I put her to bed, we say I love you and good night before I leave her room; those five words, in that order, every night. I didn't know it was mandated or even thought it was a requirement that needed to be met before she could slip off to slumber. But so it is…and an awesome requirement to have.

So, I consoled, said I love you and made sure she said it in return before I closed her door.

And it hit me that at the age of 3, she has already become this emotionally-charged girl who realizes her feelings and knows that certain immaterial things make her sad, mad, happy, etc. Her tears weren’t caused by a bumped head or bruised knee but by a sentiment. Eden just walks through life, smiling and kissing things as she bounces off of one wall only to hit the other. What I wouldn’t give.

I can only imagine the things that Kasen will encounter in her life, that first heartbreak she suffers from some bastard teenage boy that my husband will threaten to off, the death of her first pet, her first failed (or hopefully just mediocrely graded) exam, her first fender bender….all resulting in tears and fear and thoughts of the world ending but knowing it probably won’t – to think it all started with me not waiting a few seconds for her to say I love you in return. I will never leave her bedroom early again.