Dear Sutten:

You’ve been with me for the last nine months. And the majority of those months have been some of the most difficult of my life for reasons out of our control. I’m sorry for that. When you were conceived, I had no intention of being the stressed out, unstable mess that I’ve been. My hope was to make this the healthiest pregnancy yet, both mentally and physically. Alas, I failed. You became a backseat pregnancy, an afterthought, a welcomed distraction at times but nonetheless, never the priority which made me feel guilty and sad and horrible. It’s disgusting to think that I look forward to having you more for the fact that finally, for the first time in months, I won’t feel obligated to be running around tending to other stuff in my life than actually meeting you. You’ll be an excuse, a card I can play and that probably makes me the worst person on the planet. I’ve felt nothing but terrible for not being able to focus on you however, as a result, you’ve become my light at the end of the tunnel. You’ve become that ray of hope amongst all the dark, dank and dreary. You’ve become my savior, and I thank you for sticking by me, silently and patiently waiting in the background.

So soon, very soon, I will finally be able to look into the eyes of the one person who has been with me through it all (mostly because you didn’t have a choice), the locking myself in the closet, or the bathroom, or in my car so I can have an emotional breakdown.  And early one morning, probably around 2am, there will be a private moment between you, me and God where I will thank him for finally taking you out of my belly and putting you in my arms. From that moment on, your father, your sisters and I will be doting on you with all the fervor we can muster. We will teach you, play with you, make fart noises on your belly and pretend to eat your toes…and love you.  And I promise you will never take the proverbial backseat again.

However you will be jammed in between your sisters in the literal backseat for some time. Good luck with that.