Give A Penny

It seems today that there are at least two versions of products: Brand name and generic. Brand names are for the snobby white-collar and generic is for the “99%.” This is far-reaching, there is a poor-person’s everything, from drugs to paper towel; if it can be marketed as being the same or more for less, it shall be done. I will often buy a cheaper version of something - if I’m not losing too much quality. But there are those few certain things in which no cost compromise should be made, those products in which the saved penny does not outweigh the comfort, convenience or quality of the merchandise. And so here is your “DO NOT BUY THE CHEAP VERSION OF…” list.

Toilet paper: Personally, I prefer the rolls with the little ridges. It’s thick, reliable, and clean-wiping. Your cheaper brands aren’t as sturdy and often flake away. Do you want little toilet paper shreds stuck to your bottom-side for the rest of the day? Your industrial ½-ply types are just an embarrassing excuse for toilet paper, especially for a #2 event and the likelihood of your fingers tearing through resulting in a very unfortunate experience is about 1 in 5. That’ll ruin your day. Pay a couple extra bucks and you’ll have a clean booty and clean hands, so clean you could skip the hand-washing. But don’t, because that’s gross.

Q-tips: Always buy Q-tips, the brand. Never settle. It is frustrating and you have to be reminded of it every morning, or however often you shower. Alternatives to Q-tip are smaller and less rigid. As a result you can’t achieve that tingly feeling you get with a good, deep ear-cleaning. You’re better off trying to de-wax with an overcooked pasta noodle…or your set of keys.

Hairbrushes: Spend money on a good hairbrush. I like a single-pieced wooden one. If you settle on Goody’s plastic brush which is constructed of a separate handle glued to the bristled end, two things will happen: The little protective plastic balls are going to fall off the bristles resulting in scalp lacerations. And who wants their balls falling off? Secondly, after a while, the handle is going to break off, probably in the morning while you’re rushing to get ready for work and you’ll be left in utter disappointment for the rest of the day, possibly the week.

Razors: Keeping with the hygiene theme, do not buy the 99 cent disposable razor. There isn’t a time when this is necessary. No matter how bad you think you need to rid yourself of a 5 o’clock shadow or think you need a silky-smooth leg, forego the purchase or invest the extra million dollars in the Venus or Mach 3 blades. A bit o’stubble pales in comparison to what can happen with plastic, disposable razor use. Those cheap little bitches will filet you like a fish. You don’t want your obit to read, “Bled to death by shaving.” Now, slaying an intruder? Effective. That’s why I keep some in my bottom medicine drawer.

Fingernail polish & remover: If you go much below Sally Hansen quality, you’re pushing your luck if you are expecting the polish to last more than 12 hours. A stiff wind will blow cheap nail polish right off your nail (and probably into someone’s food). 12 hours isn’t worth the time it takes to apply the paint, especially to your dominant hand. Spend the extra 1-2 dollars and enjoy your embellished phalanges for a good 3 days. Unless you’re a nail chewer, stick with the cheap. While cheap polish will slough off with the slightest nick, cheap polish remover won’t touch it. You might as well use a high-powered sander to get polish off if budget remover is all you have in stock. And you can forget trying to remove the paint stuck in and around the cuticle. The red polish will remain, making you look like you have some type of nail infection/fungus until you hand-wash your dishes or simply invest in a better quality remover.

Baby diapers and wipes: I once thought that I could get away with using cheap diapers. There I was, not enough in my bank account to purchase the 192 count box of Huggies and was left with option of buying the 12 count of Huggies or the 50 pack of no-name. A diaper is a diaper is a diaper right? Wrong! There is no greater wrong. In hindsight, I should have bought the 12 Huggies because they would’ve lasted longer than the 50-pack which I never finished using because they were THAT bad. If I wanted my child to shit all over herself, myself and any surface within 20 feet, I would’ve forgone a diaper altogether. A cheap diaper is just another surface covered in poo that I have to wrangle with and dispose of. So now that I have a mess to clean up, I should do it with a wipe that smells like a chemical plant, is dried out because the cheap bin it came in doesn’t keep them moist (yeah, I said “moist” – my least favorite word), and breaks apart because it’s so thin, which puts me in an aforementioned predicament (see Toilet paper). I’m left with a huge investment in paper towel and a bad day.  

Bath towels: Cheap bath linens will last about a hot minute before the loops catch, unravel and leave you strewn with nothing but soaking wet thread. Fortunately before this happens, they are good for a one-time full-body exfoliation since they are about as soft as steel wool. Be gone epidermis!

Sheets/bedding: If you like the feeling of being wrapped in pilled, ever-itchy-no-matter-how-many-times-you-wash-it fabric, then cheap bedding is for you. I know 500+ count sheets cost several pretty pennies but the comfort you get is worth the price. Lay off the McD’s for a couple weeks and the Egyptian cotton is yours! There is literally a dream-world of difference. At least while you’re lying awake with buyer’s remorse, you’ll be doing so in luxury.

Digital music: If the song you’re downloading is a fraction of the normal price for songs, chances are you are downloading a cover of your desired song by some unknown band, a poorly done DJ remix, or you have just purchased the karaoke version. Listen to the sample and if it doesn’t sound quite right, assume it isn’t what you are looking for and pay full price. It is a matter of cents and in the end, we all know the song sounds better in its original form and not being self-sung even though in your head, you sound just as good as Adele.

Plastic wrap: Plastic wrap is kind of genius. Since lids to food storage containers go missing about as often as “the other sock,” plastic wrap provides an alternative to having to place a pricey Tupperware order. However, plastic wrap’s main function is to protect food and does so by sticking to a multitude of surfaces, usually glass or metal, and also sticking to itself (think sandwich-wrapping). The generic version does none of these things. It doesn’t rip cleanly although I’m unsure of whether this is the plastic wrap fault or the inadequacy of the teething on the box it comes in.  It also doesn’t stick to anything. I’m better off using a paper bag which is about as useless but at least I can recycle it.

Canned tomatoes: You can buy store-brand canned tomatoes and make a decent pot of chili out of them. But if you can’t can your own, which is the ultimate, then buy something with a name you recognize, like Hunt’s. You will get a sweeter, more flavorful tomato while the generic will give you a blander, metallic-tasting tomato. Do a taste-test, you’ll see, no bullshit.

Bacon: Onto breakfast. You don’t have to splurge on top-shelf bacon but do not buy the cheapest package of bacon you see. You will end up with a very disappointing breakfast or BLT. Low-quality bacon consists of just thin strips of gristle and fat. The only appetizing thing about it is the grease it allows you to cook your eggs in. Cheap bacon = pork rinds.

Honeycomb cereal: When you expect a honey-kissed corn cereal with its little honeycomb crevices bathed in milk and instead get a mouthful of styrofoam, there is no greater disappointment. I might expect such a letdown with a high-fiber cereal or farm animal food but not from a box of cereal marketed toward sugar-hungry children around the world. I should’ve known when the cereal looked less like the geometrically perfect honeycombs and more like a bunch of sad faces. My husband, he will eat any cereal. Sure he has his favorites but any cereal will ultimately satisfy his midnight cravings. I’ve never had to throw any cereal away. Even if it doesn’t make his list of Top 10 Cereals Ever, he will typically finish it off in one grandioso bowl just to be done with it. Not this. Not generic Honeycomb – which was called something ridiculous like Wheels of Sugar. This had to be pitched. Trust me starving children of China, you’d thank us.

Vodka: This comes with a clause. You are exempt from purchasing higher-quality vodka if you are suffering from one or more of the following misfortunes: a) homelessness b) alcoholism or c) being a college student. Outside of those three circumstances Absolut or higher should be purchased. Now that you’re all grown up and drinking responsibly like the ads say, there is no longer a need for Mohawk or 5 O’clock Vodka in your life, unless you’re sterilizing a wound and there are no other cleansing agents, or you find swallowing shards of glass enjoyable. Your taste buds will thank me now and your liver, head, digestive and excretory systems…basically your entire existence will thank me later for pushing the consumption of Grey Goose. A Belvedere hangover, if it even happens, is cured with a good breakfast, aspirin and a nap. A Popov hangover is cured with 72 hours of bedrest and a bucket.

In the end, we all have our preferences and choose where and how to spend our hard-earned dollar. I choose to spend mine on poo-free hands, a satisfied palate and a good inconsequential buzz.