Office Space

Have you ever been in the zone at work – banging away at your business, no one is more productive than you right now in this moment and then suddenly, you’re derailed. EEEERRRRRRRR! Your flow comes to a screeching halt as something has thwarted your path to a completed to-do-list.

I believe productivity in the workplace is inhibited not by Facebook, Pinterest or eBay (do people still eBay?) but by the nuisances of others. We should all have our own offices. No cubicles or shared workspaces. Here’s why:

Food wrappers: Why does it seem that your co-worker finds it nearly impossible to get chips out of a bag resulting in endless crinkling while they fumble around to nab their next Dorito? Why is it so difficult for them to unwrap candy? Moreover, why do you feel the need to roll up your candy wrapper into a little ball afterwards? Similarly, you don’t need to fold up the extra large paper bag your lunch came in. All the excessive crinkling, crumpling, rustling and shuffling needs to stop! Or…here’s a novel idea…eat in the lunch room so at least your clumsy food wrapper handling is muted and not sailing directly into my ear holes.

Loud chewers: Calm. Down. With the chewing. The food isn’t going anywhere. It’s not animate, it’s not going to jump off the plate and run away (I hope).

The violent crushing of your mandibles while wallowing around bites that are too large for your mouth is bovine and inappropriate. Calm yourself, take smaller bites and maybe think about saving the last 6 inches of your 18 inch sub for a snack tomorrow. I can’t concentrate on writing my blog, this Excel spreadsheet while your sloppy chops are chomping and probably spewing saliva and food all over the place.

--This also includes plate-scrapers, those determined to get every last molecule of food off their lunch plate before calling it good.

Heavy-breathers: I don’t know what causes it but when I’m around a heavy-breather, I feel like they might pass out at anytime and I should keep an eye on them in the event an emergency call needs to be made. And there are times, just like the rest of us, they have a whistler up in that nasal passage of theirs but because they are HBs, the whistling is a touch loud for the office and probably more apropos for…I don’t know…a gymnasium.  It’s like the conscious version of snoring. Baffling yet totally agitating.

Finger-nail clipping:  There is a certain comfort-level that needs to be reached before I’m okay with you clipping your talons in my presence. I don’t appreciate having to dodge the remnants as they get projected across the room – they could take an eye out. I don’t mind you taking care of the occasional catch or sore hangnail. But hearing the constant snip, snip, snip while you clip clip clip away at all ten of your claws makes me squirm (and hope that you don’t continue with your feet). Groom at home, in your car, or the bathroom if you must self-manicure right this second. But I will quit my job the second I find your nail scraps in my hair.  

Finger-tappers: This includes finger-nail tapping for you acrylic lovers. Surely, you must have another nervous habit or pastime that isn’t audible. Leg-bouncing, nail-chewing, chin-rubbing…something. Needless to say, fingers constantly percussing whatever rhythmic pattern your brain is marching to and tap tap tapping away all day, every day is maddening. Am I in Drumline 2: From the Street to the Office? Where’s Nick Cannon? Develop some self-awareness and come to realize that the tune you’re tapping doesn’t sound the same to others as it does to you. You may hear the drum breakdown from Phil Collins’, In the Air Tonight, but to me, it’s a bunch of senseless racket. Pa rum pa rum dumb.

Stinky lunch-eater: Don’t get me wrong. I am an offender. I love eating food that may be unpleasant to the olfactory. A vinegar dressing. Sauerkraut. Fish. Curried something. I’ve also burnt a bag of popcorn or two (one time intentionally because I knew it really bothered someone I didn’t like). Additionally, speaking as a someone who has been through two pregnancies, I can say that the scent of my co-worker’s daily lunch of Thai noodles didn’t sit well with me during the first trimester and as a result, I had to vacate the office before my breakfast vacated my gut.  

Ultimately, we are all office delinquents in some aspect and there is something that each of us does that annoys another. The hope for a universe in which we all have our individual offices and the freedom to shut our doors is unrealistic. Until then, we must appreciate the finer features of cubicle-living like being able to eavesdrop on conversations and personal phone calls, the warm, cozy feeling of community and viewing your neighbor’s web-surfing.