Extreme Makeover: Job Interview Edition

This may sound like a starving person critiquing cuisine but the content of job interviews has become so generic, so cliche and predictable, I might go crazy if another potential employer asks me what my greatest weakness is. As a result of my increasing frustration with job interviews and how they are conducted I have compiled the Top 5 Job Interview Questions That Should Be Banned From All Future Job Interviews and what they should be replaced with:


Top 5 Job Interview Questions That Should Be Banned From All Future Job Interviews


1) Tell me about yourself: "Well, I am [insert any self-flattering adjective that is a derivative of whatever self-flattering adjective the applicant before you has used (I like, "quick-learner")] who is motivated (keyword) by setting and achieving goals for myself." Smile, blink, continue your self-promoting rant by briefly describing your former position, your greatest achievement (which for me was just being one of the last ones standing at the company) and make an enthusiastic declaration of how ready you are to hit the ground running in your new venture. Basically, applicant after applicant is just vomiting thesaurus words at the interviewer(s). This question is way too open-ended and leaves the interviewer(s) subject to the same BS response, over and over and over and...
Instead, this question should be replaced by If you could be any hat, what would you be and why? This will get you a load of completely different responses, guaranteed to tell you a lot about your applicant, especially how they think on their feet because you know, you know, they did not study for this. And since we're on the subject, I would be a Michigan football helmet. This because I am an avid Michigan football fan, protective, love tradition and would very much like to have wings.


2) Why should we hire you? This is really just another version of #1. Again, very open-ended and subject to monotonous responses which may or may not include such words as "team-player", "highly-organized", and "positive." Alternative? Rate yourself from 1-10, 1 being Derelict, 10 being superhero.  This is good because it's an open-ended question but there are a limited number of answers. And having to explain why you're a 7 and not an 8 or a 6 would be tricky. You can always end it with..."but my kids think I'm a 10." Consider their heart strings plucked.


3) Tell us about your last position? Um...it's on my resume. It's right there, bulleted and everything. Have a look. See? Not joking. It's all there but if you need dictation, fine. In one interview, the interviewer asked me how one goes from working at a canoe livery for 10 years to being an Airline Analyst. "Wait, are you judging me?" Actually yes. Well...that's really all there is in this area for those with a generic degree from a public university - tourism and customer service. In lieu, they should ask How often do you get a 'case of the Mondays'? This will show you they have seen and appreciate Office Space and you can cleverly respond, "Weekly."


4) What is your greatest weakness? Bah! This one gets me every time. Seriously? Here, let me disguise one of my strengths as a weakness and then explain how I'm aware that it can be a problem (which it's not because it's actually a strength) and that I do my best not to let it affect those around me (which I don't because it's a strength). No one, NO ONE answers this honestly. No one says, "Well Mr. Smith, cupcakes. Cupcakes are my greatest weakness. I could eat the shit out of like, a dozen cupcakes right now. Actually, do you happen to have any cupcakes? Just cake maybe?" or "Mr. Jones, I do have an anger issue. In fact, when you run that background check you'll see I have multiple offenses for domestic violence but I'm taking classes..." In sum, you're not going to get an honest answer and chances are you don't want to hear an honest answer so let's instead use What is your least favorite interview question? I have to pick just one?


5) Where do you see yourself in 5 years? This is one of those trick questions. If you shoot for the stars, they may think you're pretentious, overly ambitious, unrealistic and even...a threat. Contrastly, if you aim too low, then you lack determination and enthusiasm. If you stay vague then you can't set goals. Instead, I want the interviewer(s) to reach in their desk and pull out one of those magic 8 balls and ask it if they should hire me. Let the answer be what it may. Note: Magic 8 balls have 20 possible answers, 10 are positive, 5 are non-committal and 5 are negative so your chances of getting an affirmative or even hazy response are good. If you happen to get "Outlook not so good" maybe suggest, best 2 out of 3?