Tomorrow morning my 3 year old, Kasen, has her first dance class. The class is called Creative Movement. I've done some creative movement in my day without the help of a class you have to pay for but I'm sure her experience will be much more informative. That's neither here nor there. This is going to be her first social experience. She hasn't ever attended a daycare and has not started any type of preschool or head start program. As a result, this is going to be a completely new experience for her on a couple of levels. Not only is she going to begin learning how to move creatively, she is going to dive into a social pool. For some kids this is pool is very deep and dangerous and they end up drowning.
I am so nervous for her because I don't know what is in store for her socially. Dance? She'll probably master. Interaction with others? I'm not so sure. It isn't that I think she will be a social outcast or that I don't have the confidence in her to make friends. You just never know how well a person, a child no less, is going to react and adjust to the social world. I wouldn't describe Kasen as an extrovert. She's careful, not entirely unreserved and conscious. I like that she is these things but sometimes, kids don't. Kids are the worst judges. They haven't fully tapped into their conscience or the art of bullshitting so they're oblivious and their thoughts and opinions are pure and sometimes unforgiving. If she becomes familiar with you she can cut loose but kids aren't always given the chance to reach that comfort zone before others have already made up their minds about whether to befriend you or not. What if they don't like her? What if they think she's too tall? Or her leotard isn't as cool as theirs? I, as her parent, can't think of a reason why anyone could not like her but as stated, I'm her mom; my kid is cooler than your kid (and if you're a parent and don't think this same thing about your child then something is wrong with you). I just -- I want her to be happy. I want her to love it and be so happy. Anything less and I feel like I've failed, like I've thrown her in the deep end of the pool with no life vest...or swim lessons. Not even little arm floatie things.
I can't help but think of how many more instances are going to come along where I have this same feeling. Nervous, scared and hopeful for her. The wish to make sure she never has her feelings hurt or gets let down.
I can already envision myself the night before her first day of school --Please make a friend, just one friend - and don't pee your pants like I did on my first day of Kindergarten because I was too shy to ask where the bathroom is. --
What if she doesn't make a team? Or makes the team but rides pine? What if the boy she likes tells her no? Or worse yet, says he'd rather date her younger sister? (Shit, that's a whole other entry.) What if she gets bullied - God, what if she gets bullied? To hell with dance, karate lessons!
I realize that a lot of this worry is based on my own social insecurities. I can be VERY awkward when I'm thrown into a new social setting. My nerves explode, palms sweat, I say um a lot, and fumble my words while unknowingly talking really fast because I just want to get the hell out. Unless I'm drinking. Then it's all good. But sometimes being drunk isn't favored, like during your first Creative Movement class at the age of 3.
I know I can't protect her from all the bad. I know there are going to be days when she comes home and says, "Mom? So-and-so said she doesn't like me." And my heart will shatter. And I'll want to say, "That bitch!" but I won't. I'll have to teach her just to be friendly anyways and disregard the negativity. To still love despite the hate - such a hard lesson to teach and to live.
All this because my 3 year old starts dance class tomorrow. Imagine the mess I'll be when she starts college.
How'd it go?
ReplyDeleteYou & your husband seem like (on facebook) pretty social people, friends, family, etc. Im guessing she will model what she sees at home, as most children go into the world searching for the relationships that most replicate the relationship she has with her significant caretakers. take comfort in that~ I would never have guessed in a zillion years that you ever had social insecurities~ it is clear you have a happy full life.
I get that the blog post was more output than advice asking... but, one mama to another, I just want to say, as a voyeur into your beautiful life, via your generous sharing in social networking ;) I think she will be well adjusted. Plus, she has a baby sister. She has learned already that the world is bigger than her & you & poppy. That is huge.
Isaac's growing has increased my worry from what if to when. And I wish I could tell him all the things that would prevent him from hurting... ever... but then, I might get in the way of learning, of living, of trying.
"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone