It's a...

Blogpost!! The Bandwagon has been on hiatus for a while, partially due to some posting issues with the website and also due to some posting issues with myself. With my inconvenience of a full-time job, posting (frankly, even being inspired enough to post) has been somewhat of a challenge. So, I apologize for my blogging drought. I can’t promise it will get any better but with a new inspiration growing in my belly, maybe the Bandwagon will once again flood the world wide web with my ramblings.

That’s right, my husband and I are spawning for the third time. I’m sad that the novelty of being pregnant has worn off. Don’t get me wrong. I am excited for another little pickle to be running around the house, and maybe a tad terrified. But the “I can’t wait to see what this pregnancy brings” feeling is not there. It was very much there for our first one, obviously. It was a little bit there for the second one. But this one? I’m looking for a fast forward button.

I can happily say that I’ve not yet been sick which I guess is either really good or really bad. Good in that I’m not puking out my entire digestive system. Bad in that, I hope it doesn’t mean something is wrong. I had a touch of morning sickness with my first two and it oddly comforted me. I guess whenever I had my head dangling over the toilet bowl it was confirmation of my pregnancy. “Yes, I’m puking-- barf barf barf-- this is normal-- barf --this means I’m pregnant-- barfy mcbarf barf.” Now I’ve got nothing to bank on other than a pee stick with two lines on it and lack of menstruation. That’s not enough for me. I could create my own show, I Didn’t Know I Wasn’t Pregnant. I still have 2 ½ weeks to go before our first doctor appointment so I am only becoming more and more anxious. When I wake up in the morning, a tiny part of me wishes I would vomit to just really send the message home.

Any other changes I can attribute to something else:

Fatigue – I’m always ready for a nap.

Insatiable appetite – What’s new?

Frequent urination – Thanks to my increase in water intake.

Bloating – Most likely from overeating (see “Insatiable appetite”)

Mood swings – (see husband)

Headaches – I’ve had headaches since I was 14. No news there.

Alas, we’ll see what this gestation period brings. Here’s to gaining 60 lbs., swelling to the point of non-recognition, urinating every 45 minutes, emotional breakdowns, gigantic boobs and unwelcome comments and touching from strangers. Good luck to me!

A Parent's Guide to Bullshitting

As a parent, you are taking on the responsibility of raising a child. It is your job to mold another human being into becoming a productive member of society. It your priority to care for them, watch after them and protect them. You need to clothe them, bathe them, feed them, discipline them and…try to understand them. If your child ends up a failure at life, it seems you only have yourself to blame. It’s hard work.  And sometimes you need a nap.

With a lot of things in life, certain situations require some sugar-coating. Kids especially need a little bullshitting in their lives because they’re young, fragile and impressionable. Childhood should consist of nice, shiny things, wonderment and imagination. That’s why we have Santa Claus. In most cases, it’s more fun for a child to envision a jolly old man climbing down the chimney and delivering presents once a year. We don’t say, “Okay Johnny, Mom and Dad are going to give you a bunch of presents tomorrow. Be excited.” There’s no magic in that. As children grow older and mature, they become better-equipped to handle the brutal honesty life has to offer. And we, as parents, become more forthcoming with a series of this-is-how-it-is talks.  A) There’s not really a Santa Claus…or a Tooth Fairy…or an Easter Bunny B) Not everyone is going to like you C) Don’t get pregnant D) Keep your grades up E) Don’t get pregnant F) You’re grounded because ________ G) Don’t get pregnant. So on and so forth.

However, in the early stages of child development – we can’t have those talks yet. If I told my 3 year old not everyone is going to like her when she grows up, she’d probably be in hysterics for days and be forever traumatized. Hell, she thinks I’m mad when I tell her to eat her dinner. Children are sensitive, innocent and in-tune. You can’t always reveal your intentions or say to them what you are really thinking. If you did, it’d go something like this:

You say I don't care. You mean Yes.

You say Why don’t you go play outside for a while? You mean Mommy needs to be alone for a few minutes.

You say Let’s lie down and take a nap. You mean Mommy is going to close her eyes for a few minutes. Don’t get into anything.

You say Do you want to watch cartoons?  You mean Mommy needs to get some shit done.

You say Do you want to play your video game/color/do a puzzle, etc.? You mean Mommy is trying to listen to this dialogue-driven show so I need you to be quiet for like, 40 minutes.

You say Let’s try this shirt on instead.  You mean What you’ve decided to wear looks ridiculous and will reflect on me as being a tasteless mother.

You say There are spiders in your hair! You mean Hold still so I can rinse the shampoo out of your hair. (Okay maybe I’m the only one that does this)

You say Are you tired? You mean Why are you such a pain right now?

You say What’s wrong?! You mean I’ve fed you, rocked you, changed you and you’re still crying. God help me!

You say Stop! You mean This is actually very literal. Please. Stop!

You say Are you kidding me? You mean What the fuck!

You say It’s time for bed. You mean It’s time to drink.

You say You’re so funny. You mean Oh no. You’re going to be a freak just like your father and I are.

You say Do you want a popsicle? You mean Behave and I’ll reward you.

You say Hold my hand. You mean I feel insecure. I’m not going to let something happen to you.

You say I love you. You mean I love you…more than anyone has loved anything in the history of the world. I would do anything for you. I would give all that I have to make sure you are safe. You are the most important thing in my life and I hope of all your dreams come true. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will never love anything the way I love you.

Kids are so cool. I know a lot of people who have made the conscious decision not to have them, think that their life is awesome thereby making them so much better off than you are. And I’m not out to judge people on whether or not they want kids. Believe me, if you don’t think you should have kids then by God, please do not have them. But you’re missing out. You really are. They will humble you and fulfill you and make your life worth 1000 times more. Living your life completely for another human being makes you feel so small and so big at the same time. It’s amazing when you realize the world revolves around them and not you.

Fifty Shades of Grey - The Casting Call

If you have not already heard of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, give it time, you will. Dubbed "mommy porn", it has taken the libidos of middle-aged women by storm. For those of us who have outgrown Twilight, Fifty has upped it a notch and given us an NC-17 indulgence, sans supernatural. But this isn't a book critique. It's easy to point out the flaws in Fifty Shades - the writing at least. It's horrendous and redundant but the storyline is so good, it keeps the pages turning. Since the entire trilogy is possible to read in a weekend if you have the time, the rights to the movie have already been purchased by Universal Studios and the fan debate about who-will-play-who has flooded the internet. So, let's discuss:

In perusing what has been plastered all over the web about casting, I find there are two groups of people: 1) those who want a bunch of attractive people in the movie and 2) those who want a bunch of A-listers in the movie. I propose a balance of attractive A-listers, newcomers and obscure cameos.

I feel as though this movie could go very right or very wrong. If you throw in a bunch of hotties with bodies, you're going to get poor acting and thousands of let-down fans. If you amass a bunch of A-listers, it could come off as gimmicky and nominated for a Razzy. So let's balance the scales.

Christian Grey
Mr. (or Master) Grey is a complex character albeit extremely attractive. You can't just have someone play Christian because he's smokin' hot and has smoldering grey eyes. Whoever plays him needs to have the looks and the acting chops to bring this character to fruition and meet the expectations of his adoring fans. There is a lot of talk of Ian Somerhalder taking on the role and I am in disagreement. Yup, he's a hottie but unless you watch The Vampire Diaries you probably don't know who he is. I think, to make this movie legitimate, the main character needs to be A-list - looks, acting chops and the A-list paycheck to boot.

I propose Ryan Gosling. At the age of 31, he's young enough to pull off Christian's late twenties. He is attractive enough, has the eyes, and the acting ability to accommodate both the troubled and conflicted sides of Mr. Grey along with the confident, I-am-a-bad-ass-billionaire side. And then there's all those other sides which, I think we can all agree, we would be more than happy to see Ryan play. I mean, I bet he has a playroom in real life. Oh my.

If that doesn't work out, I can see Christian Bale - kind of. While they share monikers, Christian Bale is 38 years old and I envision Mr. Grey as being younger. But Bale is smoldering and could definitely take the reins of Billionaire with a Dark Side (a la American Psycho). 

Henry Cavill - I can understand why some would recommend him but, he's missing the A-list factor and while attractive, not attractive enough, for me. I need someone striking and Henry is just another good-looking guy in my opinion.

Anastasia Steele
I ask right now that someone shoot me if Kristen Stewart is cast as Miss Steele. Literally shoot me in my face if this happens. I didn't go Robert Pattinson for Christian Grey and will most certainly NOT go K-Stew for Ana. They had their trilogy and if their pairing gets carried over into this one, I will be extremely disappointed. Maybe even angered. Yes, probably very angry.

While I feel very strongly that Christian should be A-list, I don't feel it is as necessary for Ana's role. I don't know why. I am seeing Emmy Rossum here. She's not super-popular and was born Emmanuelle Grey Rossum which might be fate. I think she's gorgeous but not in the obvious way which fits the persona of Ana. I also think she has enough acting strength to both challenge Christian Grey and be the naive, virginal Anastasia Steele.

If not Emmy, I see...Sophia Bush? I'm not confident that she has the acting ability to knock it out of the park but physically, she fits the part.

I would like to throw Emma Stone's name in the hat too if not for the fact that my #1 choice for Christian is Ryan Gosling and they did the whole Crazy Stupid Love thing. Again, gorgeous but it's not obvious and I think she's talented enough to give the role a run for its money.

Elena Lincoln
I was so excited to cast this (as if it has any bearing). Michelle frickin' Pfeiffer. All day. She's beautiful, seductive and I can see her rocking a Dom role with ease (you do remember her as Selina Kyle a.k.a. Catwoman, right?).

Some might suggest Sharon Stone but I think it is a too obvious choice and frankly, I'm not that huge of a fan. Seeing Sharon in another seductress role is yawn-inducing.

I could cope with Cate Blanchett. She's a brilliant actress and beautiful but she is a distant, distant second to Michelle.

I can kind of see Nicole Kidman as Mrs. Robinson as well but ... just please pick Michelle Universal...please!!

Jose Rodriguez
This was difficult for me. Initially I settled on Tyler Posey, the kid from MTV's horrible Teen Wolf (maybe I watch it every week, maybe I don't). He's young and cute and could probably pull off an artsy photographer smitten with Ana. But the role may be too big for him.

How's about...Penn Badgley? He's my first pick. Cute, young and had to deal with all of Blake Lively's shit so why not deal with Ana's? The more I think about this, the more I like it.

Taylor
I picture Taylor as a good-looking but silent, nice guy. Nothing striking or exceptional about him. Matthew Fox comes to mind followed by ... Sam Worthington? I feel like they could kick someone's ass maybe.

Kate Kavanagh
This might be a way for Emma Watson to stake claim in something other than what seems like decades of Harry Potterville. I can see her as an inquisitive, aspiring journalist who does nothing but unknowingly make her best friend feel bad about herself.

I still like Emma Stone so while maybe not in the role of Ana, she could counter as Kate. I'm confident she'd nail it.

2nd Runner Up: Evan Rachel Wood.

Ethan Kavanaugh
 Described as a "blond god" a knee-jerk reaction would be Alex Pettyfer but I can't stand the guy and I don't think "blond god" when I see him.

I'm going to go with Chris Hemsworth. Chris is indeed blond and actually played a god once (Thor). Done.

Zac Efron is my second choice and while he's not a blond god to me, I know he is to a lot of other females. But, I don't think he'd go for such a minor role; I think he's more interested in romantic leads in which he can deliver lines like, "You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute."

Grace Trevelyan-Grey
Blythe Danner always looks like a nice mom to me but at the ripe age of 69, I think she's too old. I picture Grace between 50 and 60 years of age. As a result I propose Diane Lane. She's so stunning and has a very kind look about her. And I'd like to see her and Michelle Pfeiffer go at it.

Annette Bening could be great. Also beautiful with kind eyes so she's a semi-close second.

I can see Joan Allen but her skin and bones frame annoys me and she doesn't exude kindness like the other two options.

Carrick Grey
I think Diane Lane is the integral role here so whoever fits best with her is going to be the best option. I like George Clooney even though he's a big name. He and Diane would look great together but realistically speaking I don't think it will happen.

Pierce Brosnan maybe if they can make him look a little rough around the edges because naturally, the man is too prestigious-looking and I feel Carrick is a little more down-to-earth. Put some stubble on him maybe.

Elliott Grey
Elliott is supposed to be good-looking but funny with a touch of quirk. I know some people hate seeing him act but I think Justin Timberlake might make a good Elliott. He's attractive enough and has a natural sense of humor.

If Matthew McConaughey were younger, he'd be my number one pick because if anyone can make "Laters baby" not sound like a complete fucking joke, it would be him.

Mia Grey
Attractive and curvy brunette who's extroverted and annoyingly cheerful. I identify with Rachel Bilson so I'll go with her. I think she could make a great yet annoying little sister. I can picture her perpetually ruining Christina and Ana's sexcapades.

Alternatively, Minka Kelly might do. She's pretty but her chin distracts me; despite that she's cute, curvy, and capable.

Leila
I see one person here - Mila Kunis. She could play cray cray with the best of them I think. I love her, I think she's magnetic and amazing. I want to see her lose her mind and wouldn't mind some flashbacks maybe of her time as Christian's sub. She'd be a total rockstar in that role. No contingencies here, just her.

Dr. Flynn
I see Dr. Flynn as an attractive older man who's charming and charismatic but smart. Colin Firth comes to mind. He's got the accent, the age and looks to do Flynn justice. Pretty perfect actually.

A second option might be Russell Crowe if we can get him cleaned up and slimmed down to something close to his Gladiator days.

If neither of them pan out there is always the reliable and lovable Michael Caine. He emanates intelligence and I've always liked everything he does.

Andrea (Christian's personal assistant)
Andrea is blonde and attractive but not special. I see Elisha Cuthbert here. Elisha is a pretty blonde to me but that is all. There is nothing distinctive or striking about her look, she's just another pretty blonde.

Ray Steele
Ray is ex-military and unrefined. A nice, quiet, understanding dad who likes to fish. Harrison Ford is my first pick as long as he doesn't wear that damn earring he's always trying to rock.

Dennis Quaid is a very close second. I love him. I have loved him since I was a young girl and he's always played a great father figure.

Third place goes to Kevin Costner if he can take time off from playing in his band.

Carla (Ana's mother)
Carla is a hopeless romantic and might be a touch flighty. I initially was thinking Andie McDowell then reneged thinking she would be too young. Turns out, she's a smokin' hot 52 year old so she's reclaimed the number one spot.

I for some reason like Jeanne Tripplehorn as well. Like Ana, she's not overtly gorgeous but retains her attractiveness.

Mrs. Jones
I never pictured Mrs. Jones as being your run-of-the-mill old maid. I always saw someone younger, more middle-aged. I think this would be a great role for someone whose 15 minutes of fame is long gone, an old 80's or 90's star, someone you see and say, "Hey, isn't that so and so from such and such? Didn't she play that one girl? etc."

Right now I'm thinking Kelly McGillis. It would be cool to see the Top Gun vixen back on the big screen.

Patricia Kalember is also an option. You'd recognize her if you see her but you won't know from where. You'll have to IMDb her and you'll still be unsure as to why you recognize her.

Elizabeth Perkins could be ideal as well. Again, unknowingly discernible.

Jack Hyde
The creepy boss Jack Hyde. In trying to think of a creepy actor, my first thought is Tilda Swinton. I mean it doesn't get any creepier but it wouldn't work since she's female, unless we took some extreme poetic license. So I went with the creepiest male actor and Crispin Glover immediately popped into my mind. Then I shuddered. And then the floodgates opened.

Paul Bettany can be skeezy, Liev Schreiber is creepy for certain and then I thought of the ginger dude from Dreamcatchers and Homeland, Damian Lewis. Now that man gives me goosebumps and not for good reason. Ick. Any one of these actors could fit the bill.

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So there you have it folks. As time passes, I'm sure I'll think of some better alternatives for certain characters all while keeping in mind that none of them are likely to make the cut in Hollywood. My fear is that they are going to half-ass this movie with poor casting choices and ruin it for most of the book's fans. My sincere hope is that they they don't. Contrary to popular belief, the book is more than just attractive people fucking multiple times a day. There is a psychological element to it that could be expounded on. And it is for this reason they should take care in casting this thing. This has the potential to be a great movie that not only stimulates the loins of mommies everywhere but their psyches as well. Get a good writer, director and basic cast and this may be a rare case of the movie being better than the book. Sadly however, my inner goddess won't be holding her breath.

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Update: The Mrs. Jones Recast


I have to confess, I had only just started the third installment of the Grey Trilogy when casting the above. Upon learning a little more detail about Mrs. Jones I have firmly decided on Maria Bello. She's mid-40's, looks like she'd be a good cook, is pretty, but can be made to be not too pretty and will go well with Matthew Fox.