Sadly this pregnancy has taken a backseat to everything else
going on in my life right now and I feel horrible for it. An avalanche of
family health problems and life in general has resulted in me taking on extra
responsibilities (and worry) and tasks that make this pregnancy seem like an
afterthought. Before I know it, this baby will be here and I will have had zero
excitement and anticipation leading up to its birth. One day, life – next day,
new baby. “Oh, hello, where’d you come from? I’ve been carrying you around for
9 months? Hm, had no idea.” I hate it. I want to be excited. I want to plan for
its arrival and dream about what s/he will look like, but I can’t. As soon as I
try to more pressing matters appear and baby thoughts are lost amongst the other
things I used to like to think about but no longer do, like imaginary vacations
and how to decorate for fall this year. If I could make everything else go away
I would just so this baby could feel special instead of like a minor detail.
I knocked the picture of our first ultrasound over today and
couldn’t bother to pick it up until hours later. We usually have names and room
décor picked out by now but all the spare minutes used for that have been
swallowed up by stress and worry and phone calls to useless people.
My hope is that everything goes away so I can concentrate on
happier things but that is unlikely. Considering the circumstances, the bad
will probably be sticking around for a while. I pray for the day this pregnancy
takes a big, fat front row seat and baby says, “Hey, pay attention to me! I’m a
priority!” Then maybe everything else will pale in comparison and I won’t feel
obligated to worry about the rest of the world, as selfish as it seems.
