The Top 20 Things That Told Me, "You're Old!"
1) Gray Hair ~ At the age of 25, I was at work and there it was, shining in the ever-flattering fluorescent lights of the second floor bathroom, a silver, glistening thread, front and center. Unnoticeable to most but to me, it felt like I was wearing a headlamp. I plucked it immediately...then bought hair dye. And that's been my routine since, pluck, hair dye, repeat. I'm not ready to look seasoned.
2) Old Hands ~ I have pretty mannish hands to begin with thanks to my dad. My fingers aren't long and slender and my nails refuse to grow past the ends of my fingertips. They are a decent size and I pride myself with the fact that I can open jars without assistance. And while I would never be asked to hand model, my paws are starting to look less youthful and more like Sarah Jessica Parker's. From satin to leather...
3) The "What If" Facelift ~ Women do it all the time. You look in the mirror and tug, pull and pinch your face at varying angles and tensions thinking, "What if..." Realistically, most of us will never be getting a facelift nor do we really truly want one. But for a few seconds, it's nice to make my perma-frown disappear and pick up the jowls that seem to be inching their way ever-downward...along with various other body parts.
4) Weather Pains ~ Actually 2 things: I have a bad knee and only old people have bad knees. But back to my list, I blame increased pain in my knee on the weather. When autumn's initial cold front finally hit us this year, my knee seemed to ache more than usual and I said to myself, "It must be the weather." Oh my God. My dad says that. What the hell is happening? Walk it off...walk it off...
5) Hip Pop ~ I like to dance although recently it's been more in the living room with my kids or by myself in front of the mirror while doing my hair. Either way, I used to be able to shake it with some decency and still think I can most days. The only difference is that my hip often pops now. Yup, a sexy dance ain't so sexy when your hip is snapping. Aging: 1, Ego: 0.
6) Get Up Grunt ~ I remember being little and wondering why my mom and dad would grunt when they'd stand up after sitting or laying down for a period of time. And now that I am doing it, I still don't know why it is but throatily uttering, "Ugh" while rising from an afternoon nap on the couch seems to be where it's at.
7) Hangover and over and over ~ I remember the days in which a hangover would last, maybe 12 hours. It was nothing a big breakfast and lengthy nap wouldn't take care of and you were sure to be ready to battle your next bottle of Boone's Farm by the following nightfall. These days, the average hangover lasts 36-48 hours, no exception, just two days of complete hell-hole misery.
8) De-whoring Halloween ~ Gone are the days of the slutty Halloween costume. My friend and I used to head to Hot Topic every year and spend more money than we had purchasing truly whorifying costumes. The more pleather the better. Halloween was the best reason to wear fishnets and bare our midriffs, despite the 40 degree temperatures. Let me tell you about my last few Halloweens. Vampire, Cleopatra, geisha, zombie and last year I was nothing because I'd just given birth so I jokingly said I was a MILF. None of the aforementioned were the slutty versions. How do you create a slutty zombie?
9) So long Juniors/Misses ~ I think I probably tried to shop in the Misses and Juniors departments as long as I could and now I've finally reached the point where I can't even find anything in those departments I'd be willing to put on my body. Less fitted, more flowy. If I feel like showing off something, I'll belt the shirt. I've even migrated to the super-duper mature areas of certain stores to see if I can't land a nice cardigan.
9 a) I have been known to wear a brooch on certain occasions during the winter months. Don't judge me.
10) Crafting ~ I frequent craft stores...and like it. I've purchased fake flowers, acrylic paints, fabric and even asked for a sewing machine for Christmas. Where I once would see homemade items and think, "Booorrrinng," I now thing, "Cute!" or "Good idea!" This leads me to #11...
11) Quilting ~ I am clutching to my youth by refusing to start quilting but everyday, I wish that I did. I'm repressing that part of me but I know eventually it's going to usurp my youth and turn me into a denture-wearing hag surrounded by tiny threads left over from her most recent quilting bee.
12) Canning ~ This fall, I canned. I didn't just can a half dozen pickles. No no, I bought a bushel of tomatoes, a half bushel of peaches, 5 lbs. of cucumbers and beans, all to can for the first time. I jumped in with both feet. It was okay. :)
13) Lady Parties ~ I've started attending and even hosting all those lady parties you hear about in which various items are sold, candles, purses, jewelry, makeup, lotions, etc. Why don't they have these for guys? Why aren't guys getting together every week to sell each other hunting and fishing gear?
14) Holiday Dinners ~ I have also hosted my family's Thanksgiving dinners for the last two years. This was essentially the role that Mom has always played. Dinners were always at her house, always. That was tradition, we strayed once or twice when I was little but always went back to Mom's. There was a reason it was there, tradition. Tradition is now reaching at me with its long, Sarah Jessica Parker fingers and now Thanksgiving dinners at my house are being quilted into its blanket.
15) Car Shopping ~ I used to want a Jeep Wrangler. Now it's not even in my list of top five. Unless you have a third row, you're not even considered at this point. If you can't hold three carseats, a stroller and $300 worth of groceries, then I can't buy you. I can't even look at you. Kids, and age, have made me practical.
16) Those Young Bastard Drivers ~ Newly licensed teens piss me off. Even those invincible twenty-somethings make my blood boil. Travelling at reckless speeds, swerving in and out trying to thread traffic, thinking it isn't slippery after a hard rain, riding my ass because I prefer to exceed speed limits by 5-10 mph and not 20. Oh well, can't waste my time on the dim-witted. Why are they in such a hurry anyway (shoutout to my dad)?!
17) That Trashy Music ~ Below is this week's Billboard Top 10
1) Someone Like You - Adele
2) Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera
3) Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People
4) Sexy And I Know It - LMFAO
5) Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes feat. Adam Levine
6) Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
7) We Found Love - Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris
8) Without You - David Guetta feat. Usher
9) You Make Me Feel... - Cobra Starship feat. Sabi
10) You and I - Lady Gaga
I like three of these songs. Three of them. Not even half. I won't say which three because I don't want to start a debate but the point is, I can only tolerate 30% of what is played on the radio today! When those three songs aren't playing, the only thing I hear is my mother's voice resonating in my ear when I was younger, "How can you listen to this?" Seriously people, how can you listen to
18) Child Athletes ~ While watching ESPN and their breaking news of an athlete signing a trillion dollar contract one day, I asked my husband how old the said athlete was. "24 or 25 I think," he replied. What the what?! Seriously! My husband and I watch a lot of sports and I often forget that the majority of the sports figures nowadays are all younger than me. Like, more than a few years younger. I can no longer think some random football player's butt is cute because, he's basically a child for pete's sake! Ultimately I suppose I'll limit myself to viewing golf although, the U.S. Open winner this year was only 22 years old. Do they even televise the Senior tour?
19) Movie Remakes ~ This one may anger me the most because people are taking classic films from my generation and revamping them to appeal to another generation. Not cool Hollywood. Not. Cool. A few things: Ralph Macchio has always been and will always be The Karate Kid. Hell, he could still play that role now, the guy is ageless. Ren MacCormack is played by Kevin Bacon, not some random dude that a few girls in some focus group thought was cute. He's not by the way. And to even talk of a Dirty Dancing remake is blasphemous and profane. I'm verklempt.
20) Good Housekeeping ~ And this brings me to what spurred all of the above. I was checking out at the grocery store yesterday. Amongst the soda, candy, energy pills and popular rags that line the checkout aisle, I picked up Good Housekeeping. As early as the week before I would have picked up People, or US Weekly, or Star even. No. Something drew me towards Good Housekeeping. Maybe it was the autumn-inspired cover laced with pumpkins and fall-y treats. Maybe it was its list of fall decorating ideas and recipes. Maybe it was PMS. No matter, as Good Housekeeping sang to me its siren song, I realized, "This is it. This is the end. Old at 30." Then I paid for my hair dye and headed home.
